I give. I give. I give. AND I GIVE. I feel like nothing is ever good enough. I work constantly, coming in an hour before my scheduled time. Coming in nights. Coming in on weekends. Just to catch up enough that I feel like Im not completely drowning. And its still not good enough. I day in and day out get critized for not doing things the proper way. And truth be told, I am trying my damn hardest. All day long I deal with people that are pissed off, yelling at me about things that are not my fault. And all day long I have to keep reminding myself to stand my ground and just tell them what I can. The phone rings simply because somebody wants something. And its my job to get them that. However, I dont have the power to get these people what they want. The only thing I can do is transfer them to the right person, and somehow it all comes back to me in the end. But okay. I can look past that and just realize that its part of my job. Thats fine. I go in and I do my best and thats the important part. However, outside of work, I feel the same way. There is no escape. I feel my mother duties go unnoticed or appreciated. And I guess they should. Im the one that got pregnant and I shouldnt recieve praise for getting up wit her at 2 in the morning. But thats not what Im looking for. Im just looking for some FUCKING gratitude. You know? Someone to say "hey, Ive noticed how hard you have been working lately, at everything you do, and I just want you to know I appreciate it" I feel like I rip my heart out and hold it in my hand, blood gushing all around me, saying HERE THIS IS EVERYTHING I HAVE PLEASE OH PLEASE JUST TELL ME ITS GOOD ENOUGH. Though thats a bit of an exaggeration, there are days that I honest to God do feel like that...with no exaggeration at all. I get thrown into the middle of my parents FUCKED up relationship constantly. As if Im not already emotionally abused enough from the shit theyre doing, they throw me right in the middle of it. Intentionally mind you. But... I can brush it off. Right? I can tell myself that its my parents situation and to just let it go. That its not my fault or my problem But I cant. And thats my problem right there. I care too fucking much. I am constantly trying to please everyone around me. I dont know how to stop and say HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I HAVE MY OWN SHIT. If someone asks me to do something, I do it. Thats just how I am. I fear rejection and aloneness so much that Im willing to give my soul to feel wanted and needed. Now mind you, this doesnt not mean I want to feel needed by some immature 20 something year old guy that just wants sex and has nothing going for him. I dont want to or need to feel "needed" by any man. I want and need to feel needed by my friends and my family. And I do. At times... Maybe its me? Maybe Im not the one that is sending out the "its not good enough" signal to everyone around me. And thats my other fault. Though something may or may not be my fualt, I will find a way to turn it around and make it my fault. My babys daddy slaps me around...? Oh well its obviously my fault because if I wasnt so bitchy and stupid he wouldnt do it. Or if I was a better mom he wouldnt be upset with me. I know Lexi isnt old enough at all to realize what I do for her and that is just part of being a mommy. I love that little girl to death and I would give my life for her. But there are times that I feel like I cant be around her because I just dont have enough to give. Inside I know that she doesnt need everything I have. She just needs my love and attention. And I can give that to her. But when I do, I feel like its not enough. I feel like Im a horrible employee, friend, daughter, sister, mother...everything. I know Im not. But knowing and feeling are two different things. And this is my life. I constantly fight with myself between no you are a good person with plenty of people that love you and care about you to... You fucking suck dude. Just wake up and realize that youre a fuck up. Sigh. Im at work. I suppose I should begin my 3 hours of catching up I have to do yet. | 
